Titans, NO!
by The Sage of Toads
Summary: A slice of life series circling around a group of friends all living under one roof. These friends also happen to be superheros, who have adventures. Hijinks will ensue. Rated M for foul, foul language and ribaldry, and some violence. Read and reply!


Disclaimer: This is a Teen Titans fanfiction, not approved by DC.

**Titans, NO!**

Don't be a Hero to Jump City while eating Star's Mustard in the Tower

**[1.]**

It was an incredibly peaceful afternoon at Titans Tower, so peaceful that somehow Raven, Beast Boy, and Cyborg were all occupying the living room and somehow coexisting silently. Robin, who had entered the living room to take a breather from his usual brooding, saw that investing in wireless headphones for the TV was a good idea.

Raven, who was meditating peacefully, opened one eye and focused it on Robin. Opening both, she nodded gratefully to the leader of their superhero cabal for the headphones. Without them, one of their two aforementioned comrades would be dead by now. Probably Beast Boy, because oh GOD did she have it in for him.

Robin nodded back to Raven and walked over to the kitchen, and performed a swift hop to get over the counter. He was happy that Raven was happy, not because he harbored some kind of romantic feelings towards her, but more that she was in a good mood and not trying to kill Beast Boy.

He couldn't help but wonder why she wanted to kill him, but whatever it was, it was probably his fault.

Whatever, it was time for a sandwich. Brooding alone in his room was one of those things that really worked up an appetite. Well, that and wandering around Tokyo beating up Japanese people.

"Salutations and good afternoon to all my friends, I have returned from the shopping in town!" Starfire loudly proclaimed as she flew through a window.

Raven looked over to her. "Could you keep it down? I'm trying to meditate."

Starfire covered her mouth and let out a squeak. In a much lower tone, she whispered. "Oh, I am most sorry Raven, I will keep it down. I retrieved the console game that you requested. But I am still curious, what is this duty the protagonist is being called for? Are they these Black Operations?"

Hands slapped over Star's mouth, as Raven turned a horrified look towards Beast Boy and Cyborg, who were too engrossed in the loud explosions on the television to even notice. Gingerly, she took the bag from Starfire.

"Don't…don't worry about it, and don't mention this again. Ever."

Starfire nodded, as Raven hid the game inside her cape. Robin pretended not to hear this, and just snorted. She'd better not be playing Call of Duty on his television. This was a Battlefield house.

Seeing Beast Boy and Cyborg were engrossed in the spectacle of well-disguised robots punching one another until they broke, Starfire decided to leave them be and flew over to the kitchen as Robin began digging around in the fridge. Glancing back at her movie watching friends, Starfire smiled and then turned her full attention to Robin.

"Robin, last night with Beast Boy and Cyborg, I saw the most wonderfully amusing movie." She reported.

Robin set out the mayo and the roast beef and cheese–Cheddar, none of that American business. "Oh?"

"Yes, it was a movie from the previous decade of the nineties, a parody of sorts. It was most irreverent; I laughed until my sides hurt!" Starfire whispered.

Robin set out some lettuce and a tomato. While he understood Starfire's enthusiasm at most things, and even found it cute, sometimes it just clashed too much with his image as a brooding kid's show badass, so he generally just humored her with a smile and nod. "Which one was it?"

Starfire paused. "It was a very long title, I can't really recall."

"I see…" Robin then set out the mustard, and Starfire stopped.

The mustard, which Starfire loved more than most of the other foods they had in the fridge.

It was almost…gone?

"Robin, where did all of the mustard go?" Starfire asked as she picked up the jar. It was indeed almost empty.

Robin looked at the jar, and frowned before he took it back from her and put it back on the counter. "It's been a week since we brought some, it's almost gone."

He was surprised it wasn't gone the day after they brought it, with the way Starfire hungered for what Beast Boy declared "Tamaranian Cocaine".

"Oh, I see. I will have to buy some more, then." Starfire said as her gaze locked onto the jar.

Robin could see where Starfire's line of sight led. "I'll go buy some in a little bit."

No way was he leaving her in charge of grocery shopping. After the last time, he only trusted Cyborg with that if he wasn't doing it himself. Turning his attention to his sandwich, he set out the ingredients, and then untwisted the top of the mustard jar.

He heard a whimper behind him, and looked back. She was still staring at the mustard, with a terribly needy look on her face. "Star, could you give me some space?"

"Oh, many apologies, Robin." Starfire said solemnly as she floated off.

He pulled out a knife and began scooping out the mustard towards the mouth of the jar, and was just about to upend it onto the slice when he heard Starfire whimper again. He looked back, she wasn't there. He looked up; there she was, floating in the prone position, her eyes locked on the jar.

Raven continued to meditate.

Beast Boy and Cyborg were still watching their movie.

The ambience was unbroken, silence reigning over the room as Robin stared up at his teammate, who stared at the mustard. What felt like forever, but was only thirty or forty seconds tops, passed before he spoke.

"Starfire, do you want this mustard?" He asked quietly.

Starfire nodded as though she were talking to the mustard itself.

Robin looked at the jar, then back up at her. "This is the last of it, there's no more in the tower. I'll bring you back some more, even your own jar, if you let me have the last of this."

Starfire couldn't hear what he was saying over the sound of how much she wanted that mustard in his hand right now.

When he received no response from Starfire, beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead. Starfire, motionless in mid-air with her long red hair dangling to his eye level, and the pupils of her green eyes dilated in focus, suddenly seemed less like the jovial chick of their team and more like a large, super-strong, energy blast throwing cat ready to pounce.

Robin realized that if he did not act quickly, he would die.

He hid the mustard behind himself and stepped back. Starfire's subconscious predatory instincts immediately relinquished their controls on her and she fell to her knees before him, with a pout.

"Robin! Please, oh please let me have the last of the mustard!" Starfire wailed, agitating Raven from her meditation.

Violence averted, but still with the mustard? "Come on, Star, I'm trying to make my lunch."

"Please Robin, let me have it? You can buy more for your sandwich later!" She whined.

"No! I said I'd buy you some later." Robin replied as he turned his back to her, keeping himself between her and the jar.

"But I want it now!" Starfire whined.

Robin grimaced. As well meaning and kind-hearted as Starfire was, there were her downsides, such as a childish streak a mile wide when she didn't get her way. This was especially apparent with mustard.

"Don't be a baby about it, Starfire." He scolded her.

"I am not being an infant!" Starfire cried out. Indeed, she was being a toddler.

Raven rolled her eyes and prepared to float her shapely butt out of there, while the shouting attracted Beast Boy and Cyborg's attention, the latter discreetly lowering the volume of the movie so they could hear the skirmish without betraying their attentiveness.

"You totally are! I'm not giving you the mustard, now let me make my sandwich!" Robin protested.

Starfire pouted, as he turned around to do just that. But then, it hit her! While she was still learning a thing or two about Earth, she knew that there were ways of getting what one wanted. And she in fact saw such a method on the motion picture that Cyborg and Beast Boy were so happy to show her.

Yes! It would be with this method of bargaining that she would not only get the mustard, but all mustard in the future! Robin would be powerless to resist!

"Robin!" Starfire shouted.

Sighing once more, Robin looked back at her. "For the last time…"

Starfire cut him off. "If you give me the last of that mustard…"

She took a deep breath. "I WILL SUCK YOUR DICK!"

Raven promptly fell out of the air and hit the floor with a thud, but she did not feel a thing because she was too completely stunned by what Starfire just said. Beast Boy and Cyborg's whipped their heads around to stare. Robin nearly dropped the mustard, as he stared agape at Starfire. Did she just say what he thought she did?

"S-Starfire…you don't mean that…" He tried to say, but…

"I mean it!" Starfire said, and Robin's face flashed red instantly. "I will suck your dick better than anyone who has ever sucked dick before! I will prove to be the greatest sucker of dicks you have ever seen in your lifetime, when I suck your dick, you will surely and most definitely not forget it, Robin of Earth!"

Beast Boy slowly removed his headphones, and just stared in awe. "Mother of God."

Cyborg was recording everything for posterity, there was no way anyone was forgetting this.

Raven's expression was entirely blank, on the inside however she was dying of laughter.

Robin blinked; Starfire looked entirely serious about this, dead serious, even. "Starfire, listen, I don't think…"

"No Robin, you will be the listener. Just give me the mustard, and I will suck your dick until you find it satisfactory." Starfire demanded.

Well, he just honestly did not know what to say to that. Beast Boy was practically standing on the couch, waiting for Robin's answer, while Cyborg was trying not to laugh. Raven? She was still blank as a slate.

"Well Robin? What is it going to be?" Starfire asked.

Robin wondered to himself, what would Batman do?

"_Go for it."_

God bless the DCAU!

Without further hesitation, Robin handed the mustard to Starfire. "Alright."

Raven covered her mouth to muffle the laugh that tried to leap out of her throat.

Beast Boy's jaw hit the floor.

Cyborg congratulated his honky bro.

And millions of Robin/Raven shippers screamed in rage and punched their computer monitors.

Starfire made short work of the jar of mustard, sticking her long and prehensile Tamaranian tongue into the jar and sweeping the bottom and sides of every drop of mustard with incredible proficiency and wanton moans of pleasure. Robin could not help but watch this with the most massive boner.

"Dude…he went for it…he actually went for it…" Beast Boy whispered to Cyborg as the two watched Starfire give the lid of the mustard jar a similar tongue bath.

"Man, this is depressing." Cyborg said, out of envy and admiration for Robin.

"That's…quite a tongue." Raven said as her cheeks flushed red.

And millions of Raven/Starfire shippers lost their palms to friction burns.

Screwing on the lid and tossing the mustard jar over her shoulder into the recycling bin, Starfire licked her lips clean and clenched her fist. "That was delicious! Okay then, Robin, a deal is a deal!"

Robin nodded. "Right!"

Starfire nodded. "I shall now suck your dick most spectacularly!"

"Whenever you're ready!" Robin replied.

"Good!" Starfire said, her eyes glowing green with zeal.

"Good!" Robin said with a nod.

Silence then ensued, the peaceful ambience from before now filled with a long, noticeable tension. This was…the beat.

Robin stared at Starfire. Starfire stared back.

Cyborg and Beast Boy looked at each other.

Raven was now lying on the floor, chin rested in her palm as she waited for it. She knew it was coming.

When Starfire spoke, it came. "Now then, what is a dick and how do I go about sucking on it?"

You could've filled Titans' Tower with corpses from the basement to the roof and the atmosphere would be livelier. Robin's expression was a mixture of aghast and defeated as he suddenly found himself in a very, very, very dangerous situation.

He looked to Raven, she had her face buried in her palm and was repressing her laughter. He looked to Beast Boy and Cyborg, who were now watching their movie again, and biting their lower lips to keep from bursting into hysterics themselves. He then looked back to Starfire, innocent, naïve, inquisitive Starfire and her bemused expression that was too adorable for words.

What on Earth could he tell her, the truth? Could he insult her intelligence with a honey-coated explanation? Oh God, that just awoke some painfully erotic imagery. NO! Robin needed to focus, he asked himself once more. What would Batman do?

"…_To be honest, I'd never be so stupid as to get in such a situation."_

Of course he wouldn't, he's the God Damned Batman. No, that was that _other_ Batman. Still, Robin took a deep breath, and went with his gut.

"You see, Starfire, sucking dick is…"

Outside of Titans Tower, Terra slogged herself to shore and shook the water out of her hair. She really hated water filtration clean-up duty, but it was better than being some masked pedophile's fetish doll. Everything was better than that. Now to go upstairs, take a nice mud bath, grab Garfield and have some wild, kinky best–.

"NO! NO! NO! THAT IS WRONG, BAD, VERY NAUGHTY AND HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE!"

A familiar blast of green energy blew out the living room windows of the tower, and Terra watched as a screaming Robin hurtled through the air over her head and fell into the ocean. Confused, she turned and looked back up at the window, as a flushed Starfire floated in the hole in the window, energy wafting from her eyes.

"I WILL NOT SUCK YOUR DICK, ROBIN!" She yelled at him.

Terra blinked a few times, and then scratched her head. "Huh."

Starfire flew off in a huff, leaving Beast Boy and Cyborg free to finally burst into the laughter they'd been holding in all this time. Walking over to the hole in the window as they laughed, Raven watched as Terra fished Robin out of the water and folded her arms over her waist.

It was such a shame that Starfire wouldn't.

"I totally would." She said.

And millions of Robin/Raven shippers would rejoice, had they not punched out their monitors earlier.

_Sucks_ to be them, huh?

* * *

A/N: Inspired by Slice of Life comedies such as Azumanga Daioh and Nichijou, I present to you Titans, NO! A fic of slice of life stories where things happen that should not. Oh dear, this is going to be fun.


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